im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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