thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
