you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
