the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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