I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize