Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize