i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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