so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
