I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sorry my hands just texted you
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize