i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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