i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
