I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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