What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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