the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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