Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
