I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
