Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
