I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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