As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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