Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This baby is an asshole
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
