I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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