I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
