I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize