just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
