i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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