i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
