everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
