I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All the doctor said was why
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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