Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
