One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
