The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
