I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
