i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
