i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
