Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
