I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
