That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
