I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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