Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
