I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
