"it" just moved
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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