I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
