shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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