you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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