so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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