How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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