Only a mothe r could love this liver
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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