I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize