i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
