ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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