While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
