here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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