i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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