I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
