I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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