If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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