I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
