I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
