if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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