Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
