Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we're so committed to being not committed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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