I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
They are going to name an STD after you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
