Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
whose parrot is this?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Damn victory sex feels great
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
